A few years ago, we were learning to say YES. After all, entrepreneurs like Richard Branson were telling us “Opportunity favours the bold.” If we want to get ahead the answer is always YES. Saying yes surely leads to promotion, it screams “Go-Getter” and heralds a can-do attitude, a compliant, easy-going and multi-tasking superhero, but is this secretly causing us more stress?

On the other hand…’NO’ has its own silent, adamant exclamation mark and is associated with a terrible two-year-old’s tantrum in the sweetie aisle.

What does fortune mean to you?

But does fortune really favour the bold? Maybe if you see fortune in financial terms, an added bonus or promotion then you are onto a winner…but what if fortune to you means happiness and success on a more holistic level?

Last week 100% of lawyers I coached in one day all had the same desire- to get some time out for themselves and 94% of those asked to participate in the MOSAIC mood index executive report said that work was negatively impacting their personal and home life.

When we say yes to the stress, the requests don’t get less! Never mind a tongue twister, we work ourselves into a frenzy by creating a pattern that will determine our future workload. The more work we take on, the more we will be asked to do.

A question I often ask my clients is…when you are saying yes to one thing, what are you saying ‘no’ to? Saying yes to another evening network event might be saying no to kids' bedtime. Saying yes to visiting a poorly parent every night can be saying no to lucrative opportunities. It’s undoubtedly a question of balance.

So how can we say ‘no’ to manage stress in a way that benefits others as well as ourselves?

Consider the costs of saying yes all the time

Firstly, we need to consider the costs to the organisation or the family of saying ‘yes to the stress’ all the time.

When we say yes to stress, or we refuse to delegate, we deny others the opportunity to step up. Sharing the opportunities, not only gives you back time in the long run but empowers others to climb with you. Is one parent the second caregiver by choice or because the other has always taken control? Does each partner have the opportunity to co-parent or grow their career? In a work setting, by offering challenges and a safe space to learn for those with less experience you will retain employees who are hungry for the opportunities to learn.

Cost of replacing a bored associate: £33,000 - £100,000

When we are spending the majority of our time on urgent and important work such as crises, and projects with deadlines, we have less time to look at equally important aspects of our role that are non-urgent. We have less time to develop strategy, build relationships and create new opportunities, less time to prevent errors and chaos in the first place. We become over-paid managers that are stressed as opposed to efficient leaders spending more time in the weeds than leading with a clear focus and direction.

Cost of bringing in a consultant/leader to innovate and inspire: £200,000+

When we are constantly adding to work that involves the stress of deadlines, working excessively without time to rest, catch up, collaborate and innovate, we are more likely to burn out, become stressed and suffer in our personal lives.

Poor mental health in the UK costs employers up to £45bn per annum.

Personal costs of burnout affecting home life simply cannot be measured.

Top 5 ways to build your power of no

Secondly, we need to learn how to say ‘no’ to help us manage stress without affecting our professional outlook. Here are my TOP 5 Approaches to adopt with helpful examples to help you build your POWER of NO.

1. The “It's not you, it’s me” Approach – Show you value being asked.

“What a great opportunity, I have always wanted to work in this area. Sadly at the moment I just do not have capacity”

2. The “It’s not no, it’s just not now” Approach – Stay focused on your limitations and advise your opportunity provider of this.

“Can we delay this? I would love to help but I cannot see myself having time to do so effectively within the next three weeks given my current workload”

3. The “The ball’s in your court” Approach – Collaborate in the dilemma you have.

“I am happy to lead on the project but I am working on the XYZ case that has a deadline of next Friday. Taking this on will mean I miss the deadline, what is more important to you right now?”

4. The Pass it Forward Approach – Be your own opportunity provider, empower and share the spotlight.

“Have you thought of Jenny for this, she is really interested in D&I and I think she would be wonderful with some support which I am happy to give”

5. The Honest Approach – Quite often we encourage being asked to take work on because we are loathed to share our vulnerability and people see us as the team Duracell Bunny.

“Do you have some time to talk about this? I have not had any time for my family/partner/self in x long and this is affecting my personal life. I am struggling to think where I can fit another project in at the moment, maybe we can find another solution.”

Honest and open communication is key

If in doubt, thrash it out! Honest and open communication is key and recognising your own values as well as those of your employer can help develop a culture that retains healthy, happy and stress free teams. The examples above are assertive and non-emotive. They are victor rather than victim and are based on your locus of control. Your new ways of setting boundaries in your personal and professional life will inspire those you lead, reduce costs for the organisation and have an immeasurable impact on you and your loved ones.

If you would like more support on stress and the issues raised in this article, please feel free to contact Rebecca at rebecca@guruyoucoach.com